I know what's coming: the how have you been's?, and the how are ya's? And rightly so, for it's only normal, we're long-time friends who've been away from each other for far too long.
And as much as I think I'll have an answer, I know I wont. I'll be wound up with information and knowledge and news that I'll be so eager to tell, but none of it will come to me in that moment, and none of it will sound right. I wont be able to describe the reality of my heart's condition, of how I'm really feeling, and how could I?
How can i find the perfect words to describe the dark despair I felt on lonely nights, the pains of doubt piercing my heart, the struggles of trying to adapt to a new life: one full of ease physically, but mentally and emotionally one so exhausting, so stressed that all but a sliver of hope is left in my despairing, aching body.
And that was how I felt most of the time.
you wont want to hear that, and I wont be able to share it either.
So I'll tell you of the good times, pretending the darkness had no edge on me, while in reality it was the darkness: the sin and the hardships, that brought me out to see that glimmer. It was just a small sliver of hope.
For if I only had the good times I may be able to make you smile with the stories of new dreams, new excitements, new adventures, and new places. I could satisfy you with my ambitions in school and with finding new horizons and a bright future.
But if that was all I had to tell you,
then a smile would be all you'd have:
that feeling of joy knowing I'm doing alright, knowing I'm doing what I ought, knowing I'm in God's will.
But if I opened my heart,
if I let you peak into my soul,
if I showed you the darkness in my heart,
you would feel the shame, the hurt, the doubt, and the pain,
And let me tell you, you wouldn't laugh, you wouldn't smile, and you wouldn't be glad.
If only I could show you that, then you would be able to stand with me on that horizon; feeling my pain, suffering by my side. And then, and only then, could we, together, look upon that sliver of hope, we could cry out together, begging it wont disappear, we could dream past the obvious visions we on our own conjured up, and we could wait upon that sliver of hope, a hope that wont disappoint.
It will bring us into darkness and despair, yes, but it will never disappoint,
because that hope is in Jesus, the Lord above all.
In our darkness and suffering, our pain and despair,
he sympathizes with our weakness, he experiences our pain, and he took up our lot.
And at that he did not stop, he finished what he sought.
Murdered unjustly for our sins to erase.
And for us my God, even death didst thou taste!
And to that death I say come, to thy cross I dost cling,
And in darkness walk boldly because the hope of my king.