The Secret Dilemma

We all have our secrets.Those things were not willing to share with anyone.
A deep desire that's socially unacceptable, a past we try to forget, or the truth of our identity.

It's these secrets that we cannot let out, for then we would shock the world, especially our closest friends. They wouldn't believe us that we could be that way. So we hide behind the mask of life, of culture. Perhaps one day the world will find out. The truth will slip through the cracks and we'll be found out.

We must all have these secrets, but are we willing to exchange them? Can we handle the truth they hold? Will we trust someone enough to share it? What will it mean when we finally do? When your secret is no more and the world can gaze on your cold naked shame?

You'll try to run but it's no use, it's too drastic to forget. They'll be compelled to share it and spread it until it reaches the deepest corner. And how will you respond? Will you cry and whimper, fight in rage, or seek the fastest escape? It's not a kind world, especially for a secret as foreign as yours. They won't accept you, they don't know how to, even though they each struggle with equally dark truths.

So what then? Should we wait for that day when all is made known, when every secret is revealed and nothing is left that is hidden? That is my question, for who can I trust but God alone to handle a secret as devastating as mine? Who but God would be able to walk with me after the truth is disclosed, to respond in that perfect love where no scars are formed?

So I wait for that day as I search for those people: the ones who are willing to exchange their hiddenness with mine, to bring it into the light, and pierce our closed cultures with our strangeness enshrined.

Community and Culture

I'm trying to describe my feelings. I'm scraping for something desperate to my soul and dependent on the people I'm surrounded with, all of whom seem unable to commit to something deeper, longer-lasting. So I struggle, hold onto what I got. I'm a desperate beggar, but not seeking money, it's friendship that long for, that emotional stability and knowing somebody will always be by my side; that person to call on in the good times and the bad. For what's the point in celebrating if it's not with them? And how can I ever get through the pain if not for them?

But it still doesn't seem healthy. I'm emotionally unstable, not content with my place, with my own flesh. I try to seek them out, diversify my drug supply to ensure I won't run out. It's as if I'm addicted to drugs again, nothing's really changed. God, are you really enough? Do I need this craving, these people, these drugs? It's tearing me up, consuming the passions that drive me, but what else can I do? For if I lose my grasp on it all and I just give up then I'm condemned by my culture, alone and outcast, stuck in a world of isolation.

So I fight on, seek for that family with whom I can be content and whom I can go deeper. It's the church that I seek, but I won't force nobody's hand. It has to be authentic to be legit...organic. It must be here already, am I just missing it? Perhaps looking in the wrong direction? I need to change my focus, change my strategy, trust God to being it all together, in whatever way and with whatever people. It's not my choosing, I relinquish control. It's all for you God, for your glory. Maybe it's just for a season that I must suffer in this way, and if it is, then I thank God for counting me worthy to suffer for his name. He alone is God, and to him goes all the fame.