I'm trying to describe my feelings. I'm scraping for something desperate to my soul and dependent on the people I'm surrounded with, all of whom seem unable to commit to something deeper, longer-lasting. So I struggle, hold onto what I got. I'm a desperate beggar, but not seeking money, it's friendship that long for, that emotional stability and knowing somebody will always be by my side; that person to call on in the good times and the bad. For what's the point in celebrating if it's not with them? And how can I ever get through the pain if not for them?
But it still doesn't seem healthy. I'm emotionally unstable, not content with my place, with my own flesh. I try to seek them out, diversify my drug supply to ensure I won't run out. It's as if I'm addicted to drugs again, nothing's really changed. God, are you really enough? Do I need this craving, these people, these drugs? It's tearing me up, consuming the passions that drive me, but what else can I do? For if I lose my grasp on it all and I just give up then I'm condemned by my culture, alone and outcast, stuck in a world of isolation.
So I fight on, seek for that family with whom I can be content and whom I can go deeper. It's the church that I seek, but I won't force nobody's hand. It has to be authentic to be legit...organic. It must be here already, am I just missing it? Perhaps looking in the wrong direction? I need to change my focus, change my strategy, trust God to being it all together, in whatever way and with whatever people. It's not my choosing, I relinquish control. It's all for you God, for your glory. Maybe it's just for a season that I must suffer in this way, and if it is, then I thank God for counting me worthy to suffer for his name. He alone is God, and to him goes all the fame.